How to: pee discreetly, while working outdoors. For ladies, obviously.

As you might have gathered, I have written a book on How To Be A Successful Self-Employed Gardener. 

You must be aware of this, because I indulge in relentless self-publicity, and there are links to it all over this website.

Oh look, here's another one!

I also do regular one-day seminars on this subject, and one of the highlights of the day - or so I have been told - is my demonstration on how to pee outdoors.

(One reviewer, after the seminar: "The demonstration on how to pee outdoors was, by itself, worth the cost of the seminar."  I think I'm flattered...)

I am constantly getting questions about how to cope with this issue: so many people ask me about this, or tell me that it's a problem for them,  that I have decided I might as well put the information on here, in order to reach a wider audience: normally I just direct them to The Book, but frankly this information is relevant to all ladies who work outdoors (so many Clients are not on site all the time), who go walking (so many public loos have been closed due to Covid), or who do outdoor activities where there are either no loos at all, or inadequate ones.

 Ok, I may lose a few book sales (although there is a TON of other information in there, go on, check it out for yourself! 128,000 words, that's easily the size of a normal paperback!), but as a public service to all women out there..... let's do it! So here we are, lifted from my excellent book on ... *laughs*

Right, what's the problem?

Well, that's easy: Men have external plumbing, all they have to do is unzip, heave it out, and let fly. We may be able to tell, by their stance, what they are doing, but we can't actually "see" anything.

So easy for the guys, so difficult for us gals. *sigh* Not every garden has an outside loo, not every Client is at home while we are working: thanks to Covid-19, it's not always advisable to go into their houses:  and not everyone can hold it in for four hours at a time, so there are times when it will be necessary to have a pee in the shrubbery... but there are ways to make it easier.

Always, always go to the loo just before you leave home. Make it part of your routine: check for phone, hanky, paperwork, tool bag, water: go to the loo, leave for work.

Inspect each garden for a suitable place: a shed is best, but a thick shrubbery can work, if you are certain you are alone in the garden. Be wary of garages in case they have security cameras. If in doubt, ask. Some Clients will give you a key so you can use their house loo, but with keys comes responsibility, so I generally try to manage without.

Position: most girls, when forced to pee outdoors,  make the mistake of dropping their trousers round their ankles and crouching, as though on an invisible toilet: invariably the flow will go forwards, not downwards, and will soak your clothes. It is actually better to kneel, knees apart, body upright, which keeps your trousers dry and throws the liquid forwards. Try it in your (empty) bath some time, you will see what I mean.

Better still is to practice peeing standing up: SmugAmanda used to swear by the wide-necked plastic pickle jar which was small enough that she didn't have to drop her trousers right round her ankles in order to use it.  (A mug, by the way, would seem to be ideal, having a handle and all, but surprisingly, it's not big enough. Ask me how I know....) Start by peeing into it in the shower: then stand in the empty bath, dressed but barefoot, and practice using it while clothed. The trick is to get it “high” enough: hold it really close to your body, so none of the pee escapes onto your leg.

But be warned that you will never again buy a jar of pickles from the local village fete.....

If you prefer the low-tech answer, most of us use those flexible plastic buckets-with-handles, or tub-trugs/gorilla tubs, as they are called,  for collecting weeds: they are ideal as you can squash them easily between your thighs, hoist them up high, and let fly.  Emptying them is completely innocuous: slosh some water from the watering can into the bucket after use, then, paper hanky and all, tip the contents onto the compost heap, no-one will ever know. The only drawback is if your bucket is a bit muddy on the outside... ask me how I know... yes, I got mud all over my legs one day (sigh).

A better, but slightly more fiddly, solution is to use Nappy Sacks.  These are small plastic bags with handles, designed for pooey nappies, therefore sturdy and waterproof. I used to use these all the time during my camping days... you can slip your trousers down to mid-thigh, then hold the Nappy Sack with one handle in front, one behind you. Pull it up firmly, let fly: when finished, slip the front handle over your wrist, let go of the back handle,  bring the half-full (warm, eeugh) bag to the front, slip the second handle over the same wrist: with the other hand, wipe, put the tissue into the bag. Tie the handles, set it gently down on the ground, reassemble clothing. You can then tip the liquid out of the bag onto the compost heap, or behind the shed, and take the bag and soggy tissue home for disposal.

So, all of those are what you might call low-tech solutions, and they all share the same drawback - they require us to drop our trousers, thus revealing our posteriors to all and sundry. There must be a better way, I hear you cry.

Yes, there is!

Finally, the high-tech answer - and my current best solution - is the P-Style.  It's the French-designed answer to the Australian-designed She-pee, and is so much better, in every way.

This is a simple, open-topped chute,  designed so that you unzip, but don't unbutton, your trousers: a brilliant idea, very quick, very discrete.  You just work the chute in through the zip opening: up under the t-shirt, down inside the knickers:  point it slightly downwards,  and let fly. Can't wait for winter so I can try writing my name in the snow....

Again, start by practising in an empty bath, clothed but barefoot, until you work out how far “back” it has to sit. Once you get the hang of it, it's wonderfully easy, and is not only great for work, but has revolutionised my long-walks-in-the-country, as well.

With a P-style, all you need is a small amount of sheltering foliage - you don't need to be totally hidden from view, as you do with all the other methods. And if you are not comfortable leaving a small puddle of urine behind, you can pee into your bucket, then rinse it out and tip it on the compost heap.

I suggest taking a nappy sack as well, then once you've finished, and wiped, you can tuck the tissue (you don't need to wipe afterwards, properly speaking - yes, it's that well designed - but personally I prefer a quick wipe) inside the chute and pop the whole thing into the nappy sack, shove it in your pocket, and take it back to your car or workbag. Very discrete. I even made a special little pouch for mine, from shower curtain fabric, to keep it clean, and so that I could leave a couple of paper hankies tucked inside it at all times, ready for action.

Unless someone is standing right in front of you, there is absolutely nothing for them to see. And if they are standing right in front of you, well, they might get pee on their shoes, and serve them right!

So there you have it: just type the word Pstyle into your search engine and click on the "shopping" tab to find them for sale: the price is about £15 including postage, they come in a range of colours, and I now have at least five of them, each with their own shower-curtain pouch, and stock of paper hankies. One lives in my chainsaw-and-chipper equipment bag: one in my climbing-equipment rucksack: one in my normal walking rucksack: one in the boot of the car: and one on the hall stand, in case I am going out but not going either working, or climbing, or walking: I can't actually remember the last time I left the house other than to go working, or climbing, or walking, but you never know, one day... and if I do, then I will pop the hall-stand P-style into my handbag. 

Just in case.

Now, before we leave this subject, I would just like to offer a couple more pieces of advice:

1) In all these cases, don't wait until you are bursting to go, as that's when accidents happen! If you are getting uncomfortable, just go and do it.

2) If the worst comes to the worst, and you can't get along with any of these suggestions, then you will simply have to stop work and either drive home, or drive to the nearest public loo. Either make up the time afterwards, or reduce your bill for that day.

3) If you have a problem in this area, don't let it stop you working as a gardener - you might choose to work no more than three hours at a time, or you might choose to only work for Clients with a proper facility that you can use.

4) And don't think that by not drinking, you will reduce the problem: as the urine in our bladders becomes more and more concentrated, it can “irritate” the lining of the bladder, making us want to go to the loo, even though it is not “full”.  Weird, huh? There is a logical feeling that by drinking, you will “fill” your bladder so that it needs to be emptied, but that's not quite how it works.  After all, how many times have you been to the loo in the morning, ie “emptied your bladder”, gone out to work, or shopping, or whatever, and not had anything to drink for hours, then still needed to go to the loo as soon as you got home?

So have a couple of glugs of water every so often  - it's very important to stay hydrated,  it won't make you want to go to the loo more often, and in fact if you don't, you are more likely to have an urgent need to pee.

Right, I hope you all enjoyed that fascinating venture into the world of peeing - discreetly - in public, and that I won't have to mention it again!!

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